Sex is much like eating a curry: we all crave it after a few Cinzanos; we all like a different level of heat – some enjoy a bhaji, while others prefer to mop up their vindaloo with a garlic naan. Whichever way you like to chow down on ‘Indian cuisine’ there are fundamentals that can help improve your dining experience.
Do the below exercises three to five times a week to enhance your fumblings and fornications:
The Kettlebell Swing
A pelvic thrust in the boudoir department is up there with a decent smooch – you fluff either and the other participant might never be in proximity to your Louis XV reproduction mahogany headboard ever again. The swing targets your thrusting muscles: glutes, abdominals, hip flexors and the erector spinae, as well as working on your thrusting technique.
1 Bend your knees – not your back – grip the kettlebell with both hands by the horns and then extend your body. 2 Take your feet shoulder width apart and tap the kettlebell under your pelvis while bending your knees a tad and leaning the torso in slightly. 3 Trust the pelvis forward – as if you were behind Orlando Bloom on that paddle board – locking your knees and extend your body straight – no leaning back. 4 Let your abs, back, bum and hips do the work – don’t pull the kettlebell with your arms, let the kettlebell swing forward and naturally swing back under the pelvis. 5 Keep your spine straight throughout – three sets of 15 – 20.
Running Interval training
Stamina’s essential while pummelling between the silk sheets – huffing and puffing like Eric Pickles in an egg and spoon race is a real wand shrinker. Running intervals will build your lung capacity thus improving your stamina and burn calories.
1 If you imagine the number 10 is you running at your maximum capacity, and 0 is you perfectly still – start your run at 5 for two minutes. 2 After two minutes push yourself up to number 9 for one minute. 3 Once the one minute at that fast pace is complete slow back down to that 5. 4 Repeat completing a minimum of 21 minutes altogether – aim to get to up to 45 minutes.
Jostling backwards and forwards for lengths of time as well as imposing elements of body contortion requires a certain amount of upper body strength. There’s nothing worse than when they’re about to reach boiling point and your bicep runs out of steam, or you can’t hold ‘The Plough’ for much longer through lack of muscle power. Press ups cover: biceps, triceps, pecs and core.
1 Kneel down – we’re sure you’re well practised – place your hands on the floor making them slightly wider than your shoulders. 2 Position yourself onto your toes making sure your chest is level with your hands and your arms are fully extended. 3 Holding your body in a straight line, lower yourself towards the ground keeping your stomach tight and spine straight. 4 Just before you hit the floor, push up and extend your arms – three sets of 15 – 20.
Oblique Twists with a Medicine Ball
Attempting every position in the Kama Sutra takes a bit more than pointing your derriere toward Uranus or having the same nodding reflex as Melania Trump. Dynamic positions required flexibility, rotation and core strength.
1 Place your bottom on the floor and bend your legs. 2 Keep legs together, ladies, heels to the ground and lean back holding your spine straight. 3 Pick up the medicine ball and twist your torso to one side keeping your head in line with your torso and hit the floor with the ball. 4 Then twist to the other side doing exactly the same, keeping your spine straight and abs tight throughout – three sets of 15 – 30.
Nobody wants the pork loin slipping out of the oven before the crackling’s gone crispy, do they? A firm and strong tush means more control and pleasure. The weighted bridge penetrates your gluteus maximus and lower back.
1 Lie on your back with your legs bent and feet on the floor – modesty, legs together. 2 Hold the weight plate on your stomach. 3 Squeeze your booty – as if you were on a first date and the kidney bean laced ratatouille had got the better of you – and push your hips up as far as you can. 3 Hold for one second and return to the floor – three sets of 15 – 20.