Bunny Boiler
Janet’s always home. Whether you’ve just woken up, popped back during your lunch hour or slipped in after work – Janet’s there. Having met most of your chums, in Janet’s mind, if you’ve made plans with any of them you should always invite Janet. You have to fabricate extra work load, make up intimate family gatherings and lie about your whereabouts in order to see your pals and keep your pet iguana safe from an impromptu jacuzzi on the stove.
Neat Freak
Caspian not only meticulously arranges the groceries on his shelf in the communal fridge, he can’t help but turn yours into a display that Harrods Food Hall would be proud of. You can’t put a magazine down, leave an empty glass or un-plump a cushion without ruffling Caspian’s plumage. If you dared to abandon a butter knife on a kitchen counter, not stack the dishwasher perfectly or -Cif forbid – not put the toilet seat down, you would hair-trigger a small nuclear war within the confines of your own home.
The Recluse
For several months now there’s been a funky odour emanating from under the gap of Jeremy’s bedroom door. You know you have a flat mate, as you witnessed Jeremy move in; you hear an occasional bellow from his room; and someone keeps replenishing the Blossom Hill rosé in the fridge. You have no idea whether Jeremy is slicing up corpses, dissecting the neighbour’s missing guinea pig or hand-crafting his own blend of mature cheddar from said bedroom. All you do know is half the rent gets paid and you have free rein over the remote control.
The Help-Yourselfer
Every time you reach for your Planet Organic gluten-free loaf you’re left with the crust; your toothpaste doesn’t last a week; and either you’re sleep-snacking on your condom stash or slippery-fingered roomy Darren is even helping himself to your Johnnies. Darren doesn’t understand that things belong to other people: he’ll devour your last Oreo, squeeze the life out of your Head & Shoulders and not think twice before donning a pair of your Calvin Klein’s.
The Socialite
Tilly spends more time on the red carpet than she does in your living room. She’s always at a restaurant launch, an uber-trendy club opening or a swanky celebrity-laden shindig in the West End. Tilly’s social life makes you feel about as popular as Attila the Hun.
