What a week – a plethora of eruptions; Meg and Hazza bare their crest on court-life within the walls of the British Monarchy, jousting Piers Morgan to unceremoniously lob his Action Man out of his 400-horsepower pushchair, and Mount Etna bestows Sicily with a welcome distraction from contagious microorganisms.

Dynasty-shaking allegations (giving the Mediterranean’s largest island a run for its euros) from the Sussexes – and One’s conciliatory statement, with ambiguous undertones: “some recollections may vary” isn’t going to cut the Fortnum & Mason’s Dijon this time.  Pizza Express Woking anyone?

Alas, in 2021 inequality is as rife as Daily Mail readers and Brexiteers; the proverbial pecking order is pivotal on the pavement, in parliament, and the palace.  UK hacks punctuate with colonialisms; oh, and we have a racist (allegedly) in sceptre-swinging distance of our sovereign. 

Let’s remember how The Windsors reside, moat-hop, and draw-bridge from Buckingham, Kensington and St James Palace, to Windsor Castle and Clarence House to name five of thirteen residential properties owned by the Crown.  And let’s not forget Sandringham and Highgrove House, as well as Balmoral Castle – three out of ten privately purchased gaffs by the Royal Family.  Birth-right bling-bling.

We’re super creative beings: take Hogwarts, Donald Trump’s tax returns, and The Bible, all thanks to our vivid imaginations and prolific storytelling.  Our fabrications have no limits; Santa fills December with magic; ‘god’ evokes hope in followers; and ‘Divine Right’ gave monarchs a narrative. 

Egbert – the first recognised Saxon King of England in 827 – battled, massacred, and dominated his way to being labelled the wide-ruler of Anglo-Saxon lands.  Initiating the domino-surge of power-greedy, manipulative, hierarchical, tiara-obsessed, dictators – with one aim, to rule, and to sit above all others.  

The Tudors and Stuarts immorally ballooned, depleted, and cultivated the Crown’s bank balance – while building the British Empire – to lay the way for the current material comforts, swelled savings, and Downton-Abbey-on-steroids lifestyle our monarchy leads today. 

Henry VII (1485-1509) doubled the royal revenue by raising taxes, land rents, heavy fines, and blatantly exploiting the general public.  Henry VIII’s (1509-1547) power-hungry wars, rambunctious conduct, and debauched lifestyle bled the Treasury dry.  Elizabeth I’s (1558-1603) reign abducted, sold, enslaved Africans, and worked them to an early grave.  As did her successors (the Hanoverians, slave-kingpin George I (1714-1727), revved up the sale of black human life, padding the Treasury to new heights) until the slave trade was outlawed in 1807.  Charles I (1625-1649) drained the noble purse while simultaneously manipulating parliament (beheaded in 1649 – little scamp).  Charles II’s (1660-1685) libido, extravagant and licentious court antics were on par with Henry VIII’s.  All the above rulers mass-murdered for Crown gain.

Even William IV (1830 – 1837) attempted to interfere with politics and had misgivings re ending child labour, the abolition of slavery and the reform of the electoral system. 

The British Empire was erected on extortion, abuse of power, colonialism, the enslavement of Africans, exploiting the British public, and great crimes against humanity.

Elizabeth II (1952-present), our current Queen, has no doubt done a sterling job since her Coronation.  Her diplomacy, work ethic, and dedication to the Commonwealth is testament to her legacy.  Elizabeth was born into the role, was groomed for the position, and has had a start in life that only 4% of the population can possibly relate to.  As well as having the right temperament (can you imagine Margaret on theThrone…). 

The difference between the Royal Family, and you: they’re perched on a pedestal, foundations of which are bloodshed, sweat, and fortune gained by exploiting our ancestors.  Fact.

All aforementioned Crown-owed properties were built and embellished through insubordinate profiteering, championing ‘The Great Chain of Being’, firmly upholding their hierarchical order.

Thomas Jefferson penned: “All men are created equal” – never a truer, more poetic, group of words exquisitely articulated.  WE… ARE… ALL… EQUAL.

We now live in a society where slavery’s outlawed, which gave the middle classes a right to vote in 1832, as well as the working classes in 1880, and women in the early 20th century.  The decriminalisation of man-on-man action only came to fruition in 1967.  All of said constraints should have never been in place, but we’re learning and evolving – change is progression and essential. 

Our monarchy has come a long way since Bloody Mary’s (1552-1558) Catholic burning frenzies; but curtsying and bowing in front of another human being as they, or the institution they’re attached to, believes one of the two is more superior, belongs locked away in the Tower of London.  This dated, draconian-esque, ceremonial wank the establishment conforms to needs crossbow-ing into 21st century, out of respect to us. 

Everyone on this sphere is entitled to speak and use their voice – whether they’re part of a 2000-year-old institution or otherwise.  Liberty, democracy, tolerance, individual rights, and equality need to be the focus and image of our extremely privileged royals.

The geographical point where you emerged from the womb, earthly goods bequeathed at birth, the pigment variant in your exterior casing, the gender you love or identify with, and hierarchy are as relevant in today’s society as Blighty’s media headlines.  Your achievements, heart, and soul are what make you illuminate from the crowd, and Crown. 

If our monarchy can’t set the right example by treating siblings, their spouses and offspring equally, as well as cutting out this degrading Elizabethan ceremonial clap-trap – it’s time to retire the bejewelled orb and hand back the keys to our turrets.