You and your bestie or beloved treat ya selves to some decent nosh with a table for two at one of London’s finest.  But, you can’t appreciate the liquorice and elderflower, never mind the fennel-laden roast scallop starter.

The awkward greeting smooch, the toe-clenching repetitious repartee and the fact that she’s more interested in the bread basket than in the follically-challenged fugly opposite her: we’ve all sat in a bistro, bar or barista’s gaff next to a Tinder, Grindr or tinter-web date that’s had as much chance of taking off as jeggings did.

Perched in proximity to a virtual-meet date can be more entertaining than watching the Mitchells and Beales consume Christmas day together, but also somewhat distracting.  If you’re rendezvous-ing with a chum for a well-needed catch-up or you’re on your own ‘date-night’ – but end up more interested in the minutiae from the adjacent table re Hugo’s last failed relationship or Natalie’s second-cousin-twice-removed’s rare species of fungus that’s housed itself on her plates-of-meat – your dining compadre can feel like you’ve swiped left on them.

One of the many perks of living in the Old Smoke is the varied assortment of dwellers.  Experiencing a pigeon’s-eye view of two Londonites who can only identify each other from a few photos that have been more filtered than a bottle of sparkling San Pellegrino – trying to hash out a conversation when one of the party would rather be plucking their own nostril hair than be positioned opposite the other – it’s a Westminster win-win.

If you’re fortunate enough to be in situ of a Tinder Flop, the trick is not to disgruntle your fellow-feeder but to embrace the situation.

Here are Thabulous’s suggestions for making the most of sitting in lug-shot of tedious Tinder talks, ghastly Grindr gatherettes and all online encounters without causing offence:

1.  From time to time, involve your banquet buddy in the earwigging.  Listening to a strained conversation about how Ukraine was pipped to the post by Marija Šerifović the formidable champion of the 52nd edition of Eurovision in 2007.  This will not only give ya a wee chuckle but put you in good stead for the Jolly Cock’s midweek quiz night.

2.  What a delightful distraction from your partner’s or pal’s tedious office politics.  Glancing over at a boastful banker bang on about how big his bonuses are, boring the under-crackers off of the suffering supper hostage – watching any slight flicker brutally extinguished with every pompous profanity.

3.  It’s great anecdote and nickname fodder.  You’ll go down like a French prostitute at a Blackburn Rovers midfielder’s stag do with your titillating tinderitis tales.  Not to mention: Archbishop of Laborious Banterbury, Queen – forgot to mention the gastric band – Kong and Benign-dick Cumberbatch – you’ll have ya buddies busting their abdominals.

4.  It will make you feel smug and better about your relationship, and your companionable silences.  Observing a pair of app date-ees squirm over Boeuf Bourguignon as if they’re enduring deep-set molar extraction will make your relationship seem like a simple scale and polish.

5.  Who needs Channel 4’s First Dates, when you’re in view of a live version that you can add your own scintillating commentary?  Discreetly, slip in with ya own witticisms – move over Fred Sirieix.

Beats being perched on a bar stool at the Queen Vic.

Published by The Gay UK magazine