1. Exact bill divider-upper
You and your work chums head out for dim sum, then the Jack-and-Jill arrives. Derek from accounts pipes up: “I only had one glass of Pinot, and I didn’t touch the noodles”.
Exacting the har gow, tofu skin rolls and lotus leaf rice parcels between you and seven of ya colleagues is like thrusting a fully grown Arizonian Ferocactus up ya derrière. All because tight as a cha siu bun financial-jurisdiction-juggler foresees a personal economic meltdown if he spends three extra squid on Donna’s (from HR) extra dumping.
2. Last to the bar every-timer
They’ll always win the standoff; you might as well have brewed your own beer before stingy Steve makes an attempt to worm his wallet open at The Oily Hole’s Thursday quiz night. He’ll gleefully accept round after round hastier than anyone can reach for their purse. But you’ll have more chance of prizing the presidential chair from Putin than squeezing a Cinzano and Lemonade out of need-a-state-of-the-art-navigational-radar-to-find-the-bar Steve.
3. Pots of cash, TK-Maxx-weekender
Kathy lives on the 15th-floor, NEO Bankside apartment with a Thames oxide-red Winter Garden, at three mil a pop, has no comprehension of what the Jubilee line looks like and executes the weekly shop at Borough Market, but will drag you around the aisles of TK’s in the hunt for a cost-effective kaftan. The Wigan-born skinflint will barter her way out of service charge, bully staff for complimentary booze and wangle her way out of cancellation fees. You can take the girl out of the Northwest, but not a 60%-less-than-the-RRP discount department store.
4. Dodges nice restaurants/bars, four-holidays-a-yearer
With Sam it’s all voucher deals, Groupon bargains and TopTable offers; she’ll never commence with a sharpener at a hyper-cool hotel or contemporary cocktail bar – “You can buy a whole bottle of plonk for the price of one Cosmo in that gaff”. She’ll bang on about P&O’s ocean-fresh lobster, the taste-tastic tian bu la in Taiwan and the buxom enhanced aromas of truffle, tobacco-spice flowers and velvety textures of the Bordeaux during a tour of the French wine belt while you’re both tucking into Zizzi’s finest penne and Van de Pays.
5. Travel cheapskate
Even when it’s pouring enough to fill Battersea Dogs Home twice over, and three empty black smash-and-grabs are enthusiastically winking at you – Mark will insist on waiting for an under-budget see-you-in-seven/twenty-seven minutes Uber. He’d rather jump on the 24-stops number 25 to Tottenham Court Road than pay the extra couple of quid for a sixteen-minute-jaunt on the Northern line. If Mark could pay less to be squished into the overhead compartment of a Boeing 747 he would, the trouble is Ryanair don’t fly long-haul.
